I suppose we've all had those times of introspection. One day you wake up and wonder who you are and why you do what you do. Maybe you even wonder why you bother getting out of bed in the morning. The last couple of months have been an interesting journey for me. I've learned a few things about myself, my family, and my life. I'm not sure whether I had a mid-life crisis, or whether I just decided I'd had enough and needed a change. I'm sure some of it stemmed from depression which seems to run in the genes.
A long time ago I learned that the only way out of depression is to take the bull by the horns and change things--hey, it beats drugs. I need sunshine. Going for a drive by myself usually helps clear my mind so I can figure out what changes have to be made. Sometimes the necessary changes may seem selfish to others, and sometimes it means confrontation. Other times all that is required is taking some time for myself.
I'm not sure exactly what happened the last couple of months--maybe because I'm not completely on the other side of it yet. I can report on what I've learned so far.
1. I've reached a time in my life when I need to do something totally for me, regardless of what anyone else thinks, or how much time it takes. Thus, the blog. I've always wanted to write. I'm not kidding myself that I'll write anything that is of value to anyone but me, but I have hope that I will.
2. No matter what I do in my church calling, it's not going to make a difference--and I'm okay with that. I've prayed about it, I have a testimony of what I'm supposed to do, and I'm trying my best to follow through. Nobody listened to Noah either, and he was a great prophet. I certainly can't expect to do better than Noah.
3. My work is important to me. I'm part of a grand effort to save what is left of freedom in America and to salvage the Constitution. My part is a tiny part. I type what great minds think. But I'm extremely proud of the minuscule role I play. It's not important that my family comprehend this. I know it, and God knows it. No one else matters.
4. Mothers take more crap than they need to take. We get used to putting our own feelings on the shelf when the kids are small. Suddenly they are adults, and we are still putting them first. There's a time to stand up and say, "I've had enough, and I'm not going to take it anymore." Kids need to know that mothers are people too.
5. My family's happiness does not depend on me. It is up to each of them to find joy in their own lives. On those rare occasions when they ask for an opinion, I might be able to give one--scratch that--even if they ask, they really don't want to know. All I can really do is pray for them. It's between them and their maker.
6. No matter how hard things get, every day until I die is worthwhile. That is true because God has a plan for me. I know that God lives. I know that He sent His Son to do for me what I can't do for myself. I know that as long as I keep getting up in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other that when I leave this earth, I will live with Them. I know that! And that makes everything else okay.