Grief and The Plan of Salvation

We all grieve in different ways.  I'm old enough now to have dealt with grief on multiple occasions.  There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.  A person can deal with grief one way one time and then completely different the next time.  I have made some observations over the years, and for what it's worth I'm putting my thoughts down in case it might help someone.  Disclaimer:  I am not a grief counselor, nor do I have any training on the subject.  These are just my own observations from my personal experiences.

My first observation is that those people who have a knowledge of the plan of salvation seem to have a much easier time dealing with the death of a loved one.  A great lesson on the plan of salvation can be found here.  It explains the premortal existence, mortal life, and life after death.  There is great peace in understanding that Heavenly Father's plan includes death, but also includes the reunification of families for eternity.  What greater blessing can be given than the gift of living with our families after this life?  Knowledge of the plan of salvation is key to finding peace quickly at the death of a loved one.

Second, children need a chance to vocalize their grief.  So often we try to shelter children from hurt they need to feel.  As a child, my parents kept me away from my paternal grandmother's funeral because they felt I was too young to attend.  It wasn't until after the wake on the long drive home when it finally hit me that I wasn't going to see my grandmother again in this life.  Dad had to stop the car and talk to me.

Several years later, when my maternal grandfather passed, I asked my parents to go to the viewing prior to the funeral.  My parents had not planned on going themselves and were just planning to attend the funeral.  They talked about it in light of the first experience, and it was decided that my father should take me to the viewing.  It was a life changing experience for me.  I looked at the body in the casket, reached out my hand and touched the body and said, "He's not there."  Dad was surprised at my ability to realize that, and he confirmed to me that I was right.  We then read the 23rd Psalm together that was framed on the wall.  At this time we were not yet members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, so our knowledge of the plan of salvation was limited.  It was very important, however, that I was able to discern the difference between a body and a spirit.

Having said all this, each child deals with death differently, and I absolutely do not agree with forcing a child to attend a funeral or a viewing.  I'm also not a fan of expecting that all the adults in the family attend a funeral or a viewing.  Funerals are for the living if it helps, but not everyone can cope with attending, and I think we need to be respectful of that.

Third, there are phases in the grief process.  What one is feeling today may not necessarily be what one is feeling tomorrow.  There are many emotions that are tangled in grieving -- shock, sadness, anger, hurt, loss, depression, guilt, joy (yes, I really said joy), and much more.  Joy can be felt when thinking about the great reunion that the loved one is having with family and friends who have passed on previously.  Joy can also be felt when thinking about a future time when you will be reunited with the loved one who has passed.  Conflicting emotions can be felt at the same time.  Joy and loss, for instance, are often felt at the same time.  Sometimes the cycle of emotions can be repeated several times.

Fourth, it is necessary to forgive before one can move on.  Sometimes we can be angry at a loved one for leaving us behind.  We might be angry at another person who might have caused an accident.  We might be angry at ourselves for not expressing enough love prior to the death of a loved one.  We might be angry with God.  Forgiveness is imperative in order to have closure.  In the case of anger against God, knowledge that death is part of God's original plan in order to live with Him and our families for eternity can bring great peace.

We can grieve differently each time.  In July, 1985, my father passed.  I grieved with painting supplies.  I painted the entire inside of my house, then moved outside.  I painted the cement on the patio, walkways, and the front porch.  When there was absolutely nothing left to paint, I went to the legal office where I was working part-time in the evenings.  I worked late into the night so that I couldn't think about it.  Then one night on the way home from the office a song came on the radio that was special to Dad and me.  I pulled off on an exit, got out of my car, slammed the door so hard that I actually sprung the door, leaned on the hood of the car and just sobbed.  I had a beautiful spiritual experience at that point which I won't go into here.  After that, I was okay.  I was able to move on.

In December, 2007, my stepson was killed in a tragic Caltrans accident.  The family situation at the time was such that I felt I had to "keep it together."  I kept it together and spoke at the funeral.  I kept it together and testified before the California legislature to help pass the "move over" law.  I kept it together for a full year waiting for the Highway Patrol report to come out.  I kept it together to read and summarize the report so that other family members didn't have to read it.  I shed a few tears off and on, but basically I kept it together for three years -- and then I fell apart at the seams.  I don't remember what triggered it, but I do remember that unfortunately I was at work when it happened.  I don't recommend that form of grief, by the way.  I think I did much better with a paint roller.

However we grieve, it is important to remember that it is a process, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  It is also very important to let others go through the process in their own way.

Extra Tips Learned from the Highway Patrol Chaplain:  It is important to drink lots of water and eat lots of fruit during the grief process as the body dehydrates.  This is especially important in the days prior to the funeral so that it is easier to get through the funeral.  It works.  Really.

A Day of Reflection and Contrast

I had a late night last night, and was feeling a little down.  Sometimes temple trips are planned for just the right time it seems, because we had planned to go to the temple today, and I was in desperate need of the peace that I find there.

After sleeping about six hours, I logged on the computer to find the weekly e-mail from our missionary in Brazil.  I didn't think we would get it before we left for the temple, so that was a pleasant surprise.  It was particularly nice since it is the best e-mail or letter we have received so far.  She appears to be thriving -- and I would know if she wasn't because my children aren't very good at "putting on a happy face."

We arrived at the temple later than we anticipated, only 15 minutes prior to the session.  We were asked to be the witness couple, which was wonderful because we have never had a chance to do that in the Sacramento Temple, although we frequently did it in the Oakland Temple.  I was surprised that we arrived that late and they were still looking for a witness couple.  After a beautiful session, we saw our Stake Patriarch, Brother Judd, in the celestial room.  He is also a sealer in the temple, so he asked us to do a sealing session.  Danny and I both love sealing families together for eternity in the temple, and it is particularly wonderful when Brother Judd is the sealer.  Although, Brother Judd did embarrass me in the middle of the session by thanking me in front of the other people in the room for spending several years helping him type his family history.  At the end of the session, I made a point of telling those same people that Brother Judd had left out the part about it being one of the most spiritual experiences of my life.  I left the temple with such peace in my heart -- the kind you only find in the temple.

Danny and I went to lunch at Brookfields.  We had a really quiet, pleasant time there.  Before we left the restaurant, I went to the ladies' room.  By stark contrast to the rest of the morning, there were two women in the restroom discussing their impending divorces.  It struck me that these two women were older than me; one in her mid-60's, and the other in her mid-70's.  One woman said that she was just now getting divorced because she had felt "trapped" in her marriage for years because she didn't feel self-sufficient or prepared financially to "do it on her own."  The other said that she had not felt "trapped," that she appreciated the good things, but that there were things she wanted to change.  She said she'd spent 15 years thinking about this (yes, you heard that right, 15 YEARS), and she just felt this was now the right time to strike out on her own.  It hit me that if she had spent the last 15 years working on her marriage instead of planning for her divorce, she might be happier.

Since we were on that side of town, and since Veterans' Day is in two days, we decided to stop by the cemetery and put flowers on Matt's grave (my stepson), and to the other cemetery to put flowers on Danny's friend Cy's grave.  Cy passed away this last year.  He was a prisoner of war in World War II, and it seemed appropriate to decorate his grave as well.  I drove to Save Mart so Danny could pick up some flowers.  I waited in the car while he ran into the store, and I couldn't stop thinking about the stark contrast of our sealing session in the temple to the conversation in the ladies' room which I overheard.  It was a little surreal.

Our experience in Mt. Vernon Cemetery put all those thoughts to rest.  My husband is the most kind and loving man I've ever met.  I don't think he's ever gone through a day in his life without serving someone.  After we decorated Matt's grave, Danny looked up and realized there was something else we needed to do.  He didn't have to say anything to me because we've been married long enough that I know what he's thinking.  Not far from Matt's grave are three graves without stones.  They just have small markers.  There was a bunch of flowers lying on one of those markers.  Most gravestones have built-in vases for flowers, but the little markers don't have them.  Apparently, whoever left the flowers on the marker didn't know that the office has plastic vases available on stakes that can be pushed into the ground.  Danny's trained landscaper eyes quickly searched the area for a place where someone mowing the lawn would throw a plastic vase to get it out of the way.  It wasn't more than five seconds before he spotted one, picked it up, and headed to the water fountain for water.  I picked up the bunch of flowers, cut off the stems somewhat, and we placed the flowers in the plastic vase and placed it next to the little marker.  We then drove on down the street a couple of miles to East Lawn Cemetery to decorate Cy's grave.

We drove home listening to a Mormon Tabernacle Choir CD.  Words weren't necessary between us.  It had been a good day.  We were left to our own thoughts.  We were left to contemplate and ponder the sacred experiences of the day.

I'm so grateful for the knowledge that families are eternal.  I can't even imagine at this point in our lives thinking about divorce instead of growing old together and looking forward to what comes after this life on earth.  As discouraging as some days get, and as frustrated as we get sometimes as parents, we have hope.  I'm so thankful for hope.  I'm grateful that Heavenly Father let me overhear that conversation today.  It was a great reminder that I have it pretty good.  I'm so blessed!