Anticipation Is Almost Over

It's finally almost here.  The day in some ways we've been waiting for our whole marriage.  Our youngest child is leaving the nest in three days.  I'm writing this on Saturday night, and she leaves early Wednesday morning.

There are a whole lot of emotions at this time.  I'm excited for her.  She is going on a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  She will be serving the Lord in the country of Brasil.  There has been a boatload of preparation for this wonderful adventure.  Of course, we will miss her.  I'll do the same thing every night at bedtime that I did when the other kids served their missions.  As I lock the sliding glass door, I'll look out at the stars and the moon, wish her goodnight, and ask Heavenly Father to watch over her.  Then I'll express gratitude that she has this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

While we will miss her, there is something different this time from when the other kids left on their missions.  This time Danny and I will be empty nesters -- alone for the first time in our whole marriage.  I became pregnant with our first child two weeks after we were married -- so we've waited for the "alone time" almost 35 years.  We start our marriage anew Wednesday morning.

We will miss raising kids.  It was a fun period of our lives.  It was also hard -- very hard.  The best things in life are hard.  No one ever said raising kids is easy.  My kids may not know it yet, but we were pretty darned good parents.  We made some enormous mistakes, but we did our best.  They are terrific adults, and I'd like to think we can take credit for at least a portion of that.  I don't think I've ever said that publicly before.  People have told me over the years that we're good parents, and I shrug it off and tell them that we were blessed with good kids.  We were blessed with good kids -- but even the good ones need some direction.  So for the first time in 35 years, I'm going to forget humility and take credit for Danny and I being good parents.

It is with great anticipation that I look forward to the next chapter of our lives together.  I love being Danny's wife.  I'm going to love spending quality time with him every day.  By nature, I'm a spontaneous person.  I'm going to love waking up in the morning and being spontaneous about what the day brings.  You can't do that when you're raising children.

Danny just had his 69th birthday.  My father died when he was 64.  For about a year before Danny turned 64, I could not stop thinking about that.  It was then that I wanted to quit my job and stay home with my husband, but financially, it was not in the cards.  I'm grateful that Danny is still in good health.  I'm even more grateful that we will have this time together.  I just quit working, and I won't be 57 years old for another couple of months.  Our finances would be in better shape if I kept working a few more years, but money isn't everything.  There are some things that are just too important to wait.  At some point, I may end up working again.  As long as I can still type, I can work.  The arthritis in my fingers will just have to understand that!

I love being a granny, and Danny loves being a grandpa.  We look forward to the opportunity to be better grandparents.

Sitting in this seat tonight feels pretty good.  All is well with the world.  We're healthy, we're happy, and none of the kids are in therapy from our parenting (yet).  All five of them (my stepson included in that number) have served missions.  Three of them have marriages sealed in the temple for time and all eternity.  We have every reason to believe that my youngest will come back from her mission and find an eternal companion.  And someday, hopefully, my stepson can be sealed to his wife in the temple by proxy.  After all the years of parental worry and sleepless nights, I think we're seeing the light at the end of the temple -- and all is well.

Introspection

I suppose we've all had those times of introspection. One day you wake up and wonder who you are and why you do what you do. Maybe you even wonder why you bother getting out of bed in the morning. The last couple of months have been an interesting journey for me. I've learned a few things about myself, my family, and my life. I'm not sure whether I had a mid-life crisis, or whether I just decided I'd had enough and needed a change. I'm sure some of it stemmed from depression which seems to run in the genes.

A long time ago I learned that the only way out of depression is to take the bull by the horns and change things--hey, it beats drugs. I need sunshine. Going for a drive by myself usually helps clear my mind so I can figure out what changes have to be made. Sometimes the necessary changes may seem selfish to others, and sometimes it means confrontation. Other times all that is required is taking some time for myself.

I'm not sure exactly what happened the last couple of months--maybe because I'm not completely on the other side of it yet. I can report on what I've learned so far.

1. I've reached a time in my life when I need to do something totally for me, regardless of what anyone else thinks, or how much time it takes. Thus, the blog. I've always wanted to write. I'm not kidding myself that I'll write anything that is of value to anyone but me, but I have hope that I will.

2. No matter what I do in my church calling, it's not going to make a difference--and I'm okay with that. I've prayed about it, I have a testimony of what I'm supposed to do, and I'm trying my best to follow through. Nobody listened to Noah either, and he was a great prophet. I certainly can't expect to do better than Noah.

3. My work is important to me. I'm part of a grand effort to save what is left of freedom in America and to salvage the Constitution. My part is a tiny part. I type what great minds think. But I'm extremely proud of the minuscule role I play. It's not important that my family comprehend this. I know it, and God knows it. No one else matters.

4. Mothers take more crap than they need to take. We get used to putting our own feelings on the shelf when the kids are small. Suddenly they are adults, and we are still putting them first. There's a time to stand up and say, "I've had enough, and I'm not going to take it anymore." Kids need to know that mothers are people too.

5. My family's happiness does not depend on me. It is up to each of them to find joy in their own lives. On those rare occasions when they ask for an opinion, I might be able to give one--scratch that--even if they ask, they really don't want to know. All I can really do is pray for them. It's between them and their maker.

6. No matter how hard things get, every day until I die is worthwhile. That is true because God has a plan for me. I know that God lives. I know that He sent His Son to do for me what I can't do for myself. I know that as long as I keep getting up in the morning and putting one foot in front of the other that when I leave this earth, I will live with Them. I know that! And that makes everything else okay.